Can You Flirt If You’re Not Single?
by Admin on February 24th, 2011
filed under Polls
I’m an outrageous flirt, and I’ll be the first to admit it. When I’m single I’ll pretty much flirt with anyone. Guy or girl, doesn’t matter. If I think I can get a hook in, I’ll go ahead and cast my line. Flirting is fun, noncommittal, playfully linguistic, and sexually charged. So it basically appeals to all of my basic instincts. And if I’m being completely honest about it…yes, I like the ego boost.
That’s all fine and well…when I’m single. But what about when I’m not? Is it still ok then?
As far as I’m concerned, it’s not a big deal; but really it all comes down to intent. I haven’t called very many people my “boyfriend” and it’s because I don’t commit to people lightly. Anyone who knows me knows that I can be a very happy, active single. No qualms about it. So if I’m dating I guy, I take it very seriously. Assuming it’s going well, they’re the only person I want to be with or even think about being with. But just because I’m committed doesn’t mean I have blinders on. And it doesn’t mean I need to stop being me.
When I’m single and I flirt with someone, nine times out of ten I’m not necessarily trying to push it any farther. When I’m committed and I flirt with someone, it’s ten out of ten. I like to play with words and I’m very sexual, that’s why I have this blog (obvi). But that’s all it is. I’d never ask anyone to change, fundamentally, for me, and I couldn’t date someone who’d ask that of me. I also can’t handle extremely jealous types, and that’s just something I’m aware of for myself.
Flirting is harmless, if you leave it at that. I think if you’re in a relationship, and you find flirting entertaining, you should absolutely flirt your little heart out. As long as it doesn’t bother you or the person you’re dating. And if it does bother the person you’re dating, then you need to decide whether or not that kind of unreasonable jealousy is something you want to endure. But there’s nothing illicit about flirting. It’s not emotional cheating. I say if you don’t cross any lines and stay honest, then by all means get your flirt on!
But what do you think?
Loading ...Seromantics
by Admin on January 23rd, 2011
filed under Relationships and Dating
I think the moment I first realized I wanted to date my boyfriend was when he took me to a friend’s party. We’d been seeing each other for about a month, but my nagging commitmentphobia hadn’t let me even broach the subject of making anything official. It’s a lot like having a highly specialized form of ADD: whenever I’d encircle the idea of getting into a relationship, my brain would go “ooo look over there! A shiny cute boy” and derail that train of monogamous thought.
So I step into this massive house party with my soon to be boyfriend (stbbf?), and my Gemini nature immediately starts doing backflips because of all the socializing going on. I love a good house party; and my stbbf starts introducing me around to the people he knows as his “…friend, Mikal.” And then I’d meet some people he didn’t know and inevitably have to introduce him as “my…friend.” And that’s when it hit me that I didn’t want to be an ellipsis. A pregnant pause. A three-dots friend. I wouldn’t have minded if he’d simply introduced me as his “boyfriend.” So a few short days after that party we talked about being exclusive, and viola! Easy introductions.
Seromantics, for those of you that love wordplay, is my newly coined phrase for the terms we use in our most intimate relations: a marriage of the words semantics and romantics. To some people, words are just words; but for many of us, words can have significance beyond the sounds they make in our mouths. I could’ve gone on being a three-dots friend. The dynamics of our relationship changed on principle, but not so much in reality. Neither of us had been seeing anyone else anyway by then. But the transformation from an ellipsis to a boyfriend was made very real just by the use of a word.
I started thinking about this a little while ago when talking to a friend of mine about his relationship. I referred to the guy he’s seeing as his “boyfriend” and he got really touchy saying that he doesn’t have a “boyfriend”, but a “partner,” after which I went to the bathroom and pretended to throw up about something else.
Personally, I hate the word partner. Maybe it works for some people, who are immune to its douchy connotations, but to me it doesn’t ring true of any relationship I can see myself having. It’s that whole idea of a “better half.” I hate it. I am a whole person dammit, and I always have been. Being in a relationship is not a matter of 50-50. I’m 100% me, and he’s 100% him. We share ourselves with each other, we compliment each other’s good qualities—even each other’s faults—but the only one who completes me is my Gemini twin.
A partner suggests the splitting of things, be it finances or responsibilities. You can have a partner in business, at the gym, while square dancing…whatever. Sometimes it’s based on a contract, sometimes it’s trust, but how do you get a partner in life? Do you suddenly surrender half the responsibilities of everything you do? Do you trust this other person to think and speak for you half the time? Do they imbibe half your beverages? Manage half of your personality?
It just doesn’t work that way for me. And yes…I do believe in soul mates—another one of those tricky terms—but for me a soul mate is someone with whom you’re compatible in unlikely ways. Your relationship or friendship just works against the odds. You resonate more with that person. Just being around them makes the both of you brighter. Makes the both of you better versions of yourselves. But a soul mate isn’t a missing puzzle piece. Personally I think we all have several soul mates, and we probably won’t meet all of them in a lifetime.
So unless we’re dancing or spotting each other, I prefer not to use the word partner. I guess if someone wants to refer to me that way, fine, but I like my boyfriend just the way he is…100% him, and not half me. And if we reach a point where the word “boyfriend” seems too juvenile, I hope a new term has popped up to replace the word “partner”. Right now I’m partial to “my lovely spouse equivalent”, but we’ll see how that flies.
Can Casual Sex Lead to Romance?
by Admin on January 6th, 2011
filed under Polls
The old wisdom goes that it’s virtually impossible to sustain a “friends with benefits” relationship, because sooner or later at least one person is going to develop feelings and that’ll ruin the whole dynamic.
Personally, I don’t buy it. I don’t think sex and emotions always go hand in hand. True, it can often happen that being physically intimate with someone can create desires for intimacy in other ways—and some people are more prone to this than others—but that’s not always the case, and I’ve even got proof for this one. It’s called my life.
I’m not sure if I’m proud to proclaim it, but I have had a very successful prolonged casual sex acquaintance. I went out of my way there not to use the term “friends with benefits” because we definitely weren’t friends, and in fact that was a major key to the success of our non-relationship. Come to think of it, on my not so better days I hated that jackass. But the sex was good. The sex was convenient. The sex…was good. And that was that.
We never spent the night. We never hung out outside the bedroom; and if we saw each other when we were out we’d be cordial at best. Usually we just wouldn’t speak. And no phone calls.
Now I have had casual sex that went awry too (damn those pesky feelings). It seems to me that when you start out establishing a relationship as purely physical, if emotions do come up it’s bound to be a little lopsided. And if one person feels things more intensely than the other, the expectations become a little skewed too, and that’s when problems arise. Unless you get a circumstance like I had, where you’re really not compatible at all besides the sex.
Which brings me to my next point. I know that oftentimes people will have sex early on in the dating process, and sometimes have sex before the first date even, but so long as there’s an openness to dating and some interest expressed…I don’t really consider that casual sex. Casual sex is when there’s both no expectation or openness to a relationship. And if that’s the case, and emotions tend to get lopsided in casually sexual bonds, can casual sex ever really lead to a romance?
I know it’s never happened to me, but who knows? And now there are all these movies coming out about it…which of course I haven’t seen (please), but “Love and Other Drugs” supposedly has Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway as a couple who start banging and end up landing in a relationship. “No Strings Attached” with the unlikely duo of Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman…look like pretty much the same thing (shame on you Natalie). And I just heard about “Friends With Benefits” with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and if I know my Hollywood I don’t think they’ll let me down with the clichés here either.
So what do you think:
Can Casual Sex Lead to Romance?
- It’s not likely, but it can happen in rare occasions (40%, 20 Votes)
- I know it happens often, because it happened to me. Booyah! (22%, 11 Votes)
- I think it happens frequently (20%, 10 Votes)
- No. That’s just a cruel myth, like unicorns and Santa Claus (18%, 9 Votes)
Total Voters: 50
Loading ...Love vs. Sex
by Admin on December 28th, 2010
filed under Wide-Eyed and Musing
With the way the votes on my most recent poll are going, it seems that most people either wouldn’t give up sex for anything, or they’d give it up for true love. Now that got me thinking: I know you can definitely have sex without love, but is it possible to have love without sex?
As far as I can tell, most relationships today begin with some sort of sexual component. I could just be speaking for my social circle, but innocent courtships are a rarity; and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. When I’m seeing someone, part of getting to know them as a potential boyfriend is getting to know them sexually. I can’t imagine seriously considering dating someone if I didn’t know we were sexually compatible up front. You’ve got to test the waters at least a little bit. Starting a relationship before having sex would be like putting a down payment on a car you haven’t driven. Sure it might look nice, but you’re going to want to know if you like being in it.
But that’s all sex before love, and it’s a wonderful thing. You’re building physical intimacy at the same time you’re building trust, and emotional bonds, and all that other good stuff that made taking the plunge seem worth it. And then eventually, if all goes well, love happens. So if sex is a large part of getting to know someone intimately—a part of that process of falling in love—how can you separate one from the other?
And of course, some don’t. Plenty of long, healthy relationships include lots and lots of sex. But don’t plenty of long-term relationships—after a while—feature sex less frequently? Sometimes it’s just a precursor to breaking up, but sometimes it just happens. And presumably you could find yourself dating someone who, for any number of reasons, can’t have sex like they used to be able to. What then? When love fades, sex usually fades with it. But when the sex goes, what chance does love have of sticking around?
The way I see it, love is like food. Sex is like eating food. Sometimes you get a good dinner. Sometimes it’s just a midday snack. Occasionally you wind up with a bad brunch, but hey, at least you’re eating. Love though, is really good food. When you’re really deep in it. It’s fucking foie gras. It’s Reese’s pieces…for that fat kid who really really likes Reese’s. So being in love and not having sex would basically be like sitting in front of a Kobe beef steak, while you’re starving, and not being able to eat it. And that sucks.
But there’s more than one-way to eat a Reese’s (oh yes, I just went there with that metaphor…get some!). People express and feel love in a variety of ways. Sex is a major one, but if the love is fulfilling enough in other ways—and it can be—then it stands to reason that love can exist without sex. If a couple’s been together 40…50…60 years, and the sex fades, who am I to question if their love stuck around? Sex is great, but in a true battle to the finish, maybe love does win out?
Or does it?
Because it has to be mutual. There can’t be lust on one side, and not the other. Regardless of whether two people are in love, if one person feels that want and need for sex, and the other doesn’t, so long as that need isn’t being met I think the love is ultimately doomed. I mean there’s plenty of ways to compromise with that. Meeting halfway, or opening up the relationship to others just to name a few. But so long as the desire for sex is there, it remains a primary expression of love, and any discordance there could potentially wreck a loving relationship.
So in the love vs. sex face off, in the end, I’m calling a draw.
What Would You Give Up Sex For?
by Admin on December 22nd, 2010
filed under Polls
Decided to do something fun and share a little bit of my crazy with you guys this week. Sex is great. Just going to throw that out there. And when the going’s good, there aren’t many things that could be better. But dig deep enough and you’ll find most people would probably trade it for something if they could.
And no, I don’t mean in the bartering sense, though plenty of people do that too. But in the spirit of the rapidly approaching new year: if people can give up cigarettes to get healthier, or junk food to lose weight, what kind of reward would it take to give up sex…forever?
Would you give up sex for money? The perfect body? Would you give up sex if you could live forever? But then you’d spend eternity without getting laid. Boggles the mind. Indulge my whimsical nature a bit with this poll:
What Would You Give Up Sex For? Total Voters: 51
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‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly After All
by Admin on December 14th, 2010
filed under Relationships and Dating
For those who are still interested in the outcome of my Thanksgiving introduction of my boyfriend to my family, both of you, I have some news: it went surprisingly well. And I remained surprisingly sober.
Meeting someone’s family is always an honor, or at least that’s how I feel. You don’t introduce just anyone to your mom. It’s not that family is sacred—in fact, some families can be pretty profane—but for better or worse our families touch deeper parts of us that we just don’t share with everyone. I think I spent so much time and energy worrying about how things would turn out on Thanksgiving that I really didn’t think about how important it might end up being.
I don’t exactly need my family’s support to date anybody, and I wasn’t really asking for it. For my boyfriend to have met them in the end only brought us closer, and that would have been the case whether it’d gone well or not. The fact that it did go well just saves me some holiday headaches.
I know I’ve inherited my family’s crazy, among other things. Trust me the last thing I need is to Psych 101 myself, but I can say I’m probably not…the most emotionally available person in the world. Those who know me well enough will call bullshit on my tough-minded facades, but sometimes it’s not a façade, and I can be genuinely surprised when something moves me.
Bear with me, I’ll bring this all together soon.
Some of you might recall my post about saying I love you, but for all my new readers, I don’t think saying “I love you” should have as much pressure as we tend to put on it. Still, going on seven months with my boyfriend I was beginning to worry that if the words hadn’t come by then, maybe they weren’t going to. I mean I’m not so naïve that I was waiting for something magical to happen. It wasn’t like I was waiting for the one special moment when just looking at my boyfriend would make my toes tingle like Captain Hook’s phantom hand. I know love doesn’t literally hit you like a ton of bricks…not like that anyway. But I was waiting to reach a point where the words would just feel natural, like I could roll them around in my mouth and not have them taste cheap.
And the moment honestly came after spending a Thanksgiving night with my family and my boyfriend and feeling ok about it (see, told you I’d bring it all together). Of course it took me a good couple weeks after that before I finally did say the words, but hey…sometimes my emotional processing takes about as long as a Mariah Carey acceptance speech, with or without the booze.
So there’s one to take home for the holidays. I’ve sure had a lot to be thankful for this year.
Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner
by Admin on November 20th, 2010
filed under Relationships and Dating, Wide-Eyed and Musing
‘Tis the season to be jolly, but for some ‘tis the season to be anxious. Or at least that’s how I feel, as this Thanksgiving I’ll be introducing my boyfriend to my family.
I’m sure we’ve all been there, standing in the middle of two worlds colliding. I mean I’m always a little nervous even when introducing two of my friends to one another. Of course I like these people, that’s why we’re friends, but what if they don’t get along? Or worse, what if they get along really well and like each other more than they like me?! There’s a neurotic part to that (obviously), but I think it’s a natural reaction to have too. People can become comfort zones as much as anything else; and if you get so used to things being a certain way with your family, friends, and significant others, there’s bound to be a little bit of hesitation about shaking things up.
I’ve never introduced a boyfriend to my family before. Partly because I was never seeing anyone seriously enough to really bother with it (I mean can you imagine: Trick, this is Mom. Mom this is Trick, we met last week). But also and moreso because even though I’m out to my family, I’ve never really been open about my gay lifestyle. Hell I paid my dues. Coming out was no picnic though my family wasn’t horrible. I didn’t get kicked out or disowned and it certainly could have been much worse. Still it could’ve been better too.
It’s all in the past now. Things are cool. My family accepts that I’m gay…but it’s kind of like the pink bejeweled elephant in the room—we just don’t talk about it. And I realize that’s as much my fault as anyone else’s. Coming out is more of a process than a one-time thing. Sometimes I like to think that it was enough that I told my family I’m gay—a lot of people don’t even get that far—but really that’s not good enough. As far as my family goes I didn’t really come out of the closet so much as just poked my head out and then tried to go back to pretending things could be the way they’d always been. But it doesn’t work like that. I can’t have my gay and eat it too.
Being gay is as much a part of who I am as being a writer, or my dislike of cherry tomatoes. It’s both important and it’s not, but either way it’s not the kind of thing I can selectively pretend isn’t there. My family is a huge part of my life, and I owe it to them and myself to share all of who I am, not just certain parts based on what does or doesn’t make us comfortable. So I’m coming out…again…kind of.
And I really can’t imagine a better boyfriend to do it with. So while I am nervous to be taking a boy home, I’m kind of excited about it too. I’m simultaneously expecting the worst and anticipating the best. Apparently ‘tis the season to be schizo too. And don’t worry, I will be posting a follow up to tell you all how it went. My family’s definitely an interesting group of people, and I’ve discovered that the trick to surviving long family functions is to do them with a drink in hand so there’s a chance some shit might go down. Either way I don’t want to get stranger as I get older to the people that are important to me. So if that means sharing my gay with my family (no matter how uncomfortable that could potentially be for me) and if that means sharing my crazy with my boyfriend (no matter how uncomfortable that could potentially be for all parties involved), we’re all just going to have to get some.
Back That Thang Up
by Admin on November 8th, 2010
filed under Wide-Eyed and Musing
I was having a conversation with my friend not too long ago, it went a little something like this:
Friend: I’m so over boys. I’m never going to date again.
Me: You’re going to die alone! Surrounded by cats and empty wine bottles.
Friend: I like dogs.
Me: Hmmm I’d stick with cats. They’re less likely to eat your rotting corpse.
Friend: I’m not going to die alone. I have a backup.
Me: …assisted suicide?
Friend: No, like a relationship backup. A safety net. You know like if I reach a certain age and still haven’t found a partner, I have a friend I can settle down with. Two actually.
Me: Oh ok I know what you mean…I don’t really have one of those.
Friend: You don’t have a backup? How can you not have a backup?!?
I brushed off my friend’s incredulity by reminding myself that he’s a little neurotic. But later on it got me thinking: should I have a backup? If I look around one day in my 50s and, relationship-wise, I don’t have anything to show for it, should I have a Plan B lined up? Some friend who I wouldn’t really go for now, but with certain desperation they’d do in a pinch?
I don’t really backup my hard drive, and that’s a constant source of anxiety for me. Still I always manage to put it off, telling myself I’ll get that external HD next paycheck. A backup partner? Now that hardly ever crosses my mind, but in a sudden panic I texted my good friend Alex and proposed that if we were both single by the time I hit 50 that we’d settle down together with several pets and only ever eat yummy unhealthy things (figured so long as I was making ridiculous proposals I might as well throw some other treats in there). Imagine my surprise when he, after first telling me to seek help, revealed that I was fourth in line. FOURTH!
My first thought was: who the hell has three backups? That’s just greedy. My second thought was that I refused to be anyone’s Plan E. Which left me backup-less. So I whipped out my phone and started combing my contact list, wondering who, several years down the road, would do in a pinch. Some options were more appealing than others, but in the end I decided against claiming any of them as my backup. I mean this was a commitment 30 years in the making; I didn’t want to rush into anything.
Eventually the anxiety settled. I realized how ridiculous I was being. First of all, I have an amazing boyfriend now…why am I planning my future as a lonely cat man? And secondly I’ve never had a problem being single…I don’t think I ever will have a problem with it. Having a “safety net” to me suggests that there’s something wrong, dangerous even, with rejecting the idea of monogamy and lifelong partnerships as the most desirable options. For some people that’s not the case. Some people could be happy being single. Some people could be happy dating many people and never settling down.
As much as gays are pushing for marriage rights it’s sometimes easy to forget that. Yes equal rights are great, but marriage, monogamy and settling down aren’t the only options, nor are they necessarily the most desirable. I could see myself getting married some day. I could also see myself being single and perfectly fulfilled. I don’t need a Plan B…certainly not a Plan E. My backup plan is life and whatever it happens to throw at me.
If you have a backup, more power to you. If you know what you want out of life, get some! I prefer to leave things open ended. Besides, I can barely plan my outfits a day in advance; how the hell would I ever pick a future partner?
And That’s Why You’re Single
by Admin on October 19th, 2010
filed under Relationships and Dating
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there’s nothing wrong with being single. It’s not a punishment. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have issues. If you’re single and you like it, do your thing! There are, however, some people out there who make the same mistakes, keep the same messed up attitudes, date the wrong kind of people over and over again…and then complain that there just aren’t any good girls or guys out there. Trust me, there’s no drought. It’s not them, it’s you. There is such a thing as a dysfunctional dater. This is why you’re single…
1) You’re still hung up on your ex. Whether or not you admit it, you’re still living in the past. Maybe your ex was the one that got away, or maybe s/he broke your heart and you haven’t properly mended it…whatever the case, you’re so busy comparing everyone you meet to your ex that you aren’t giving the new guys or girls in your life a fair chance. You’ll find any flaw or difference and use that as an excuse not to pursue things. And that’s why you’re single now. Do yourself a favor and move on.
2) You’re dating the same guy/girl. Not literally of course (duh), but essentially you’re dating the same kind of person. And if it didn’t work out the first time, it’s probably not going to work out the next dozen either. Whether it’s the emotionally unavailable girl, or the co-dependent guy, or the super jealous type—if you’re constantly being drawn to the same dysfunctional personalities…you may have a problem. And that’s why you’re single now. Ask yourself what kind of person you think you’ll be compatible with, and then wait until you meet someone like that. Learn from your mistakes.
3) You think the grass is always greener. And I have news for you…sometimes it isn’t! I’ve seen this one a lot with some of my friends. They meet someone perfectly normal, cute, well off, and smart, but then think: what if there’s someone smarter, better off, cuter and normal-er waiting to sweep them off their feet? Welcome to the mind of the perpetually dissatisfied—constantly passing people up because they’re always waiting for something better to come along. And that’s why you’re single now. Try to see what’s right in front of you. Great girls and guys come in all sorts of packages. Learn to recognize one when you’ve got them.
4) You’re too thirsty. Yes, we know you’ve got looooots of love to give, and you just can’t wait to spread it out there, but nobody likes a clinger. If you’re pouncing on every trick you meet like they’re going to carry you away on a white horse…you’re just setting yourself up for heartache. And that’s why you’re single now. Calm down! Breathe. Take Queen’s Somebody To Love off repeat. Realize that yes there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you shouldn’t try to keep every one you find. Play catch and release for a while until you actually find one worth keeping.
5) You’re a shut in/shut out. Gym rats, workaholics, couch potatoes…I’m talking to you! These are the ones that complain about wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they aren’t actually doing anything about it. Usually they suffer from the delusion that if a relationship is meant to be it’ll find them, but the only way a relationship is going to “find them” is if it breaks into their apartment. You’re stuck in a bubble, and that’s why you’re single. Go out and meet people!
6) You think s/he should love you for your inner beauty. And let me tell you something. “Inner beauty” is a concept that was invented by people too lazy to groom. Newsflash! Santa Claus doesn’t exist either. No one’s saying you have to be a super model, but would it kill you to run a comb through your hair and take a shower? If you don’t care for your appearance, chances are no one else is going to care for it either. And that’s why you’re single now. Make an effort.
7) You have unrealistic expectations and/or a sense of entitlement. You feel like you should be dating only the best of the best…good luck with that. This is kind of like the grass is always greener folks, except there is no grass, only well manicured lawns with hedgerows. And that’s why you’re single now. There’s nothing wrong with having standards, even high standards. I’m not saying you have to take the coupon approach and only date men and women of equal or lesser value, but it helps to be both realistic about the types of people you’re likely to meet and that will be attracted to you, and to understand that everyone has flaws.
And in all of these cases, I’d say consider whether or not you truly want to be dating someone. If you’re making the same mistakes, maybe it’s a subconscious form of self-sabotage. I used to be a dysfunctional dater…and actually sometimes it was them, but mostly it was me. And the truth was that I was just afraid of being with someone that I could genuinely connect with. If that’s the case for you too, take time out of the dating scene to figure yourself out. If it’s not, and you still think you might be one of the above…get it together people!
A Gay “Cure”? (It Gets Better)
by Admin on October 11th, 2010
filed under Wide-Eyed and Musing
This is your last chance. After this, there’s no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and you’re heterosexual. Or you take the red pill and remain in the Gaytrix.
First of all let me just say that I don’t think there is a “cure” for gay, because I don’t think being gay is a “disease”. Far from it. But hypothetically, using your imaginative faculties, if there were a magic pill that could turn you from queer to straight, would you take it? (Straight readers feel free to ask yourself the reverse, but this post is only marginally for you). And while I am interested in what the answer to that question would be for some, it’s not the first time it’s been asked. A number of surveys have been done on the premise of a fictional “gay cure”, mostly on gay dating sites like ManCentral, where thousands of gays have weighed in on the topic from as far back as the early 2000s.
The good news? In most of these surveys over 75% say that they wouldn’t choose to go straight if they could. The bad news? That’s about 25% that would, and the more thorough poll results show that the majority of that quarter is made up of 18-24 year olds.
I’m sure many of you have heard about the recent youth suicides all over the country surrounding sexuality and homophobia. And if you have you’re probably familiar with Dan Savage’s project “It Gets Better” which has many people, including gay friendly celebrities, posting videos with encouraging messages (see also Nando’s It Gets Better Post-It Campaign which might be more accessible for some).
The response has been both positive and successful, but also long overdue. I can’t claim to have the most compelling coming out story, nor was I the victim of particularly alarming bullying. But if you’re wondering, no, I don’t consider myself lucky because I still know what it’s like to be part of that 25% who feel such shame and hatred for who they are that they’d consider it a disease. And it wasn’t any one person who picked on me that made me think that way, but years of feeling different coupled with social and religious attitudes from a very vocal collective that told me being gay was something shameful and wrong.
This is a nation of bullies. Even though we’ve come a long way to gain tolerance by the majority I still cringe at the thought that being gay is something that has to be tolerated. I didn’t come out until I was in college, and it took a large network of support in order for me to shake off the shackles that had turned me into a homophobe. Yes—a homophobe. Because even though I held no hatred for gay people as a whole, I hated the homosexuality in me. This is what this country is teaching us. First hatred, and then tolerance.
I’m proud to say I no longer tolerate my homosexuality, but embrace it fully and shamelessly. Hell, I even blog about it. I love being gay. I love having access to the subculture and the freedom from homemaker/picket fence visions of an ideal life that more prominently visit heterosexuals. But most of all I love being me, and being gay is just a part of who I am. Always has been and I couldn’t even think of having it any other way. And I’m grateful for my family, who eventually learned to embrace (or at least tolerate :p) me as I figured myself out, and for the friends who were there with me along the way. For every person out there that tells you to be ashamed of who you are, I like to think there’s another one among us who loves and wants you to love yourself for it. We just need to figure out how to be as loud as they are.
To that 25%, and to anyone that knows someone in that 25%, it does get better. Stay true to yourself. And don’t back down.